Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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