Who did Billy Mays play for?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
