this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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