I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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