I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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