I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
