Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
