Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
