idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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