Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
