Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
