You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
