Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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