the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Houston, we have a blender
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
