Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
