My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
