she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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