It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
