He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
