At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
