I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Slut skills are useful in every country.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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