i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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