Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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