Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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