I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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