she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
