she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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