hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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