I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
