I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
