I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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