i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
