I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
