for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
