I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
