and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
did i just pee glitter
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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