Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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