God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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