You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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