My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
