you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
