I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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