I want to make a zoo with you.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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