I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
