eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
