The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
