yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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