My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
