this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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