What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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