apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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