have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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