I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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