someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
