I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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