I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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