My room smells like vodka and shame
I could make wine with my vomit
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
