grandma shit on top of the toilet
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
